In the northern hemisphere the darkest day of the year is December 21st. Although the days start to get longer after this day, many people struggle with the continued darkness. Does the darkness affect you?
When I was younger, the end of January to beginning of February were darkest for me. Now the lack of light does not seem to affect me as much. In fact there is something quite magical about seeing lights twinkling in the dark.
Why do the long days of December no longer bother me? Could this be because when I have felt like my world has crumbled, and all I see is darkness , I manage to pull back to the light? Or, perhaps this because I have learned that brighter days are ahead? There have been times that the cold fingers of the dark, muddled with what life has handed me, start to seep in. I do my best to keep them from grabbing on..
Last week, the week before Christmas, I had two unexpected periods of reflection one dark and one surprisingly light…
Dark:
On Monday of last week, I saw a friend who had been planning a nice weekend trip with his family. I asked him how his weekend was and he just shook his head. Later, when we both had time to talk, he told me his wife wanted a divorce…
Memories of December 1999 came flooding back: I had been married for a year and a half; it was evident that my marriage was troubled. I thought we were trying to work through it, when my then husband decided to take some time away to “think’ about our marriage. At the time, I was newly pregnant with my first child. This was early December.
When the father of my child arrived back from his trip, he told me he wanted a separation. I was not “allowed” to tell my family about our separation because we were to spend the holiday together. All through the holiday season, I had to pretend with that we were happily married, planning a future together.
….My friend, at a different place in his life now than I was 22 years ago, also had to “act’ as if everything were normal. For me the black bitterness of hiding the truth came back to me. The dark of what I felt from my past, made me have understanding of what he was and still is experiencing.
Light
My Father-In-Law passed away early in November of this year. A few days before Christmas, my husband asked me if I remembered my first Christmas without my father. Strangely I do…
In September of 2010 my father took his life. My family or origin was in shock, grieving, and trying to pick up the pieces, while raising our own young children. The night my father died, my mother left the house they had lived in for three decades and went back only once. After living with a friend for a month, my mother found somewhere new to live,
When the time came for Christmas, my mother went to California to be with my sister, my brother went to be with his wife’s family and my family went to the new house where my mother now lived. We wanted to be with my grandmother, who had just turned 95, so she would not be alone for Christmas.
What could have been a truly sad Christmas, was actually quite beautiful. My husband drove up from Maryland to Central Pennsylvania, with all the presents. I followed, with our three children, a few hours later. We had simple meals. The space was warm and inviting, my mother had put a tree in her house for us. We rose above our sadness for each other. What I remember most is driving my grandmother over to my mother’s house on Christmas Eve. The sun had set and snow was lightly falling. The street into the my mother’s neighborhood was lined with tea lights in paper bags. I felt at peace for the first time since my father died. The heavy darkness lifted from my soul.
Desmond Tutu once said “Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” If you suffer during the dark months, I hope you find some light.
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