Part 3 of An Unexpected Journey
To see Part 1 and 2 of An Unexpected Journey, follow the links: Part 1: https://tell-me-your-story.org/2022/08/26/the-beginning-an-unexpected-journey-part-2-of-the-summer-that-could-have-been-idyllic/. Part 2: https://tell-me-your-story.org/2023/02/01/on-thin-ice/
When I was fourteen, my grandparents took our whole family to Hawaii. On our way to the Hawaiian islands (and most likely on the way home) we stopped in Los Angeles, The City Of Angels, for the night. I remember going out to dinner, with some relatives who lived in LA , near the beach. At some point that evening, we walked on the sand. The water was frigid as we stuck our feet in the waves lapping along the shore. The temperature of the Pacific Ocean, along that part of the California coast, was far colder than even the water we swam in every summer in Ontario, Canada; it was numbing! The quick stop-over in LA was my last time in that part of California for 37 years.
Being a teenager for most of the ‘80’s, and a 20 something for a better part of the 90’s, I had a very limited view of LA. What I knew about The City Of Angels, I gleaned from television and the movies: either a person came from an extremely rich family or from a dangerous part of town. Los Angeles was the last place I wanted to go! In 2019, my idea of the type of place LA is, changed dramatically….
By May 2019, it had been 10 months since our middle child, Bay, told us he was suicidal and depressed. Our family had been in crises for almost a year, but Bay had been carrying this heavy weight for much longer. The upcoming summer was looming over me. I couldn’t watch Bay 24/7, however I felt he couldn’t be left alone for several hours at a time. Unbeknownst to my family, I had been looking for a residential treatment program for Bay. My searches weren’t fruitful. I knew wilderness was out of the question because Bay didn’t like spending time outside or test his limits physically; a wilderness program would crush him, rather than help him. I also knew Bay hated the heat, so I was looking north and northeast.
Then, in late May, Bay’s therapist told us that she had been consulting with a colleague (keeping it strictly confidential) about our son’s long term depression and thoughts of suicide…their recommendation was to have Bay attend a treatment program for mental health, in the LA area, for the summer.The thought of sending my child across the country, and to Los Angeles, took my breath away! However, I was trusting these psychologists to advise us; it was up to us to make the final decision. As a parent, I will do anything I can to help support my children. My son liked the thought of going out west for a summer mental health treatment- not caring about the heat. I wanted him to be safe; if LA was the place for Bay to go, then we would make it happen.
Being a mother of three children, I felt guilty because I was focusing so much of my energy on just one child. My eldest daughter was home from college for the summer; the weekend that everything started to fall into place with Bay’s summer plans, her boyfriend (of a few months) came to visit. I didn’t spend very much time with either of them and that made me sad. When we couldn’t be there for our youngest daughter, we came to rely on my in-laws (who had just moved to the area) to help support her.
My sister, a therapist in Northern California, helped us vet the treatment program where we hoped to send our son. Summer plans, for Bay, came together quickly. We scheduled the trip to take our son out: my husband and I would leave with Bay very early on a Saturday. Our middle child would be taken to his residential program, early in the afternoon, the day we arrived. My spouse and I were scheduled to return home on Sunday.
June 22, 2019, my husband, middle child and I boarded the plane to LA. When we arrived, on a typical sunny day in Southern California, it was still early morning on the west coast. Bay wasn’t due at the residence until just after lunch. The day is somewhat of a blur. I remember seeing the jacaranda trees for the first time in my life, with their beautiful purple-blue blossoms; going to Target for items Bay forgot; eating lunch, most likely, at my son’s favorite spot: Subway. Then, still having time on our hands, we drove around the area (in the San Fernando valley) near Bay’s residential treatment program; this helped us get a feel for where our child would be. When we arrived at our child’s home for the summer, we were given a tour, signed some paperwork and said goodbye to our son. I tried hard to hold my tears in.
As we got in our rental car, my spouse asked me what I wanted to do. I needed to see the ocean, knowing water helps to sooth my soul. We drove through the mountains; I marveled at the beauty that surrounded us. The views were spectacular as we reached the top of a mountain and headed down to the Pacific Coast Highway. When we reached to coast we got out of the car, walked a little, and stopped to take in the world around us. Despite the views and the water, there was a hollowness in me. My husband and I stood overlooking the ocean, barely touching, each of us holding in our own pain. I felt like we were standing at the edge of the world…
Other related stories:
https://tell-me-your-story.org/2023/06/08/the-last-place-i-wanted-to-go-2/
Tell Me Your Story 
That is a beautiful and painful story. I’ve never experienced having a suicidal child, but definitely a strong-willed, independent, stubborn child who always does things her way. She’s an adult now with children of her own. I cherish our grandchildren and am pleased with our adult independent daughter. Like all of us, she has made some really bad choices (but thankfully, not drugs or alcohol), and she has made some very good choices. The closest I ever came to saying goodbye to a child was when we dropped our son off at college in another state. It was a college we were familiar with but I had never seen the dorm rooms until that day. I wanted to turn around and leave and take him back home with us because the mattresses were water stained and dingy. I went outside to cry while my husband and son met with the chancellor and the dean of the men’s dorms. By the time they came out so I could say goodbye to our son my tears had dried up and I had put on a brave face.
I hope your son is doing well, and the rest of your family also.
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My eldest daughter has the qualities your daughter has, but she has typically made very good choices. A strong willed, independent, stubborn child is good; she is probably has a very strong character. Making bad choices what humans do. Your daughter didn’t go down an addictive path, for that you are blessed! I love that you have grandchildren to dote on.
Saying goodbye to a child can be hard, no matter what. Although I don’t know what you look like, I can envision your heartache when you took your son to college. Saying goodbye to a child, no matter the situation, is hard! I hope your son loved his college experience and is happy wherever he is. Thank you for sharing your story!
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